Let Them Shine: When Not Engaging is Leadership

A blog post about dealing with narcissistic/ problem makers in your life

I have lived this. I have learned how to work around narcissistic people who use abhorrent and disruptive behaviour and act with malicious intent. People like this exist, and they are often not seen coming from a mile away.

You know the saying, never meet your heroes? It’s usually because what you see on TV creates a one-dimensional impression of all their good parts. It’s difficult to wrap your head around the fact that they are merely playing a role. We see this with influencers, celebrities, anyone who showcases their glory or goodwill while keeping the ugly hidden.

Now, this is not the case for all!

Many are genuinely good. Many use their platforms to reach people in times of turmoil, soley for the benefit of others and to give back, these are real heroes!

We could tell easily who the Heroes were during COVID-19.  They some helped their audiences stay calm and offered guidance on navigating isolation. Others risk everything to bring attention to crimes against humanity and are still doing that today.

Then there are those who manipulate others for personal gain political power, prestige, or financial profit- the zeros!

While I have been blessed enough to know an overwhelming number of heroes. I have dealt with my fair share of zero-type of person throughout my life.  They were within family, and within professional environments, including law enforcement and its associated systems.

Sometimes these people are just a nuisance, nothing more than a mosquito taking a nip here and there. Like a mosquito bite, they are irritating and can easily hijack space in your head, disturbing your peace and progress. Not enough scratching can make that itch go away.  

What it looks like:

• They may attempt to influence decisions outside of formal processes. For example, gathering support to sway outcomes out of spite, jealousy, or resentment. They will find ways to insert themselves into situations where they do not hold an eligible role, just to impact the result.

• They may be present during something important to you and attempt to disrupt your performance—through visible, dismissive gestures such as eye-rolling or exaggerated movements meant to draw attention to themselves.

This is where it escalates:

• When they are not getting the reaction they want, they increase the pressure. You may see direct verbal hostility toward those who remain neutral. If others try to calm the situation, they may also become targets. This can create intimidation and push people to distance themselves from you.

• They refuse to acknowledge or take accountability when concerns are raised. They are aware of their actions but may present themselves as misunderstood or victimized.

• They push boundaries in communication social media, text messages, group chats, email, flooding you with contact intended to undermine your confidence and control the narrative.

• They may attempt to paint you negatively through persistent or abusive messaging.

Important: messages are evidence. They are written, time-stamped, and difficult to deny especially when they include derogatory language. If you remain composed and do not react emotionally, they often end up documenting their own behaviour.

Where leadership comes in:

This is where true leadership becomes essential.  Something I wish I had learned earlier in my policing career.

To be clear, not everyone in policing is like this. It is a complex system with many good people. But like many large systems, it has not always been effective at addressing these behaviours. I remain hopeful that this will change.

When I reset my life, I realized I needed to develop leadership skills outside of that environment, without the structure, authority, or backup I once had.

No uniform. No badge. No immediate support system.

Just me.

And that’s when I learned something important:

• I already had what I needed.

• I know how to read people.

• I know what I’ve accomplished.

• I know the truth of my experiences.

• Most importantly, I got through it. 

• And I came out stronger!

What worked

Through personal development and leadership training, I learned that strong leadership isn’t just about stepping forward, it’s about knowing what not to engage with.

There will always be people who create situations designed to pull others into dysfunction. They push, they provoke, and they wait for a reaction.

Because the moment you engage emotionally, the focus shifts. It stops being about their behaviour… and starts being about yours. And that is the trap they are hoping you get caught in.

Effective leaders respond with intention:

1. Recognize the patternConsistent disruption is not accidental. Others often see it too.

2. Pause before respondingComposure is a leadership skill. Not everything requires an immediate reaction.

3. Choose not to engageSilence and restraint are often more powerful than correction.

4. Document don’t argueLeaders deal in facts, not friction. Their behaviour often becomes your documentation. Your composure becomes your protection.

5. Stay anchored to purposeFocus on your role, your team, and your outcomes, not the distraction.

6. Remove yourself as a targetBoundaries are not avoidance, they are leadership. If needed, bring in a neutral third party. Distance removes emotional escalation and allows behaviour to be seen more clearly.

7. Let behaviour speak for itselfOver time, patterns reveal more than any single interaction ever could.

REMEMBER…..

Leadership is not proven in how loudly you respond to disruption, but in how clearly you remain aligned to your standards despite it.

Disengagement shines a light on their behaviour. Documentation protects you. 

TIP, they often give you this documentation, just look at the flurry of messages, email or mob-style group chats.  You may be surprised to see how many pass these chats on in efforts to help expose this poison.  Some may be afraid to get involved but they also want to see the behaviour stop.  Take this gift and use it.

Let others step in when appropriate. Remain professional. Exit when you can.

There’s a saying I’ve come to rely on:

“Give them enough rope to hang themselves.”

People driven by reactive, negative emotions often expose themselves over time.

You are not responsible for their perception of you. You are not responsible for their reaction to your success.

You are responsible for your integrity. It will shine through if you can remain measured in the face of a person’s desire to sabotage you.

Protect it your integrity, maintain it, and when needed—walk away!

─ Helen